This little thing called ... Attachment

This is a hard post to write. Deep down I knew that it would take more time for Tinsae to “bond” and “attach” to us than Muluken. But I just didn’t think it would be this HARD for me to watch him go with complete strangers without looking back!

Tinsae was so young (2 years old) when he was relinquished. He was in 3 different orphanages since June of 2010. He had many different caregivers (called nannies) who came and went in his life. He relied on all those nannies for food, clothes, shelter, play, hugs and kisses. He was transferred from orphanage to orphanage with little explanation. He followed the very strict orphanage schedule with little defiance. He was told by these nannies that he trusted for so long, that we were his new mommy and daddy. He hugged us when they told him too. He let us hug and kiss him when we wanted too. He went with me to the hotel with no problems and no looking back. 

Tinsae has lost everything. He has lost his first mommy and daddy. He has lost his country, his culture, his language, his food, and his nannies. Yet, he still smiles. He still hugs and kisses us, even though nobody tells him too. He still calls us Mommy & Daddy and looks to us for food, clothes, help, and snuggling.

But, he also looks to others for these things too. And that breaks my heart. I know others do not understand what it feels like. They like the extra hugs, a hand to hold, or an extra smile from an adorable little boy. But I know that if I didn’t try to keep him close, he would easily walk away with another stranger without looking back to his Mom. I know others don’t understand that this means that he is not “attached” to us yet. You might wonder how I know all of this. Because how many 3 year olds do you see walking away with complete strangers for no reason at all (no candy, no promise of a toy, no nothing) and with no fear or worries? 

It hurts. We have only been home for four weeks and together for five weeks, but deep down I was hoping for so much more for our relationship. So, where do we go from here? Well, WE stay home a LOT more. WE only go by family members and only for a short amount of time. WE only give Tinsae food, snacks, toys, clothes, etc. WE snuggle with him, hug and kiss him, and try to stop others from doing so. It’s hard, because Tinsae is such a cute little boy and we want everyone to love him as much as we do. But, we know we need to stress how important it is for Tinsae to bond and attach to us and only us. We need to become his family in every true sense of the word.

So for now, we’re back to hanging out and snuggling. We play with toys and wait for his brothers, sisters, and Daddy to come home at the end of each day. We read a lot of books and talk about everything we see around us. I try to get to take care of his needs whenever he needs something, but am also very careful on setting boundaries for him not to get everything he wants!

If you’re reading this and do not understand, please just ask me what all this talk is about on “attachment and bonding”. I think I have bought and read every adoption book out there and read and re-read every blog on the internet. I know what I need to do and where I want to be with our sweet Tinsae. It will just take more time and a little patience!

Please pray for us!